Preparing for my talk on “Surrender in ropes” in KOR Berlin, I reached out on socials and asked for questions. Much to my surprise, I got mainly questions about trust and trust repair. Of course, there is a connection, especially when you deal with a situation of having your trust violated… But also I wonder if we all focus too much on “surrender” as some magical place of absolute abandonment of oneself to the partner. Where they just come and take us and they know exactly what is right at this moment.
And this might be a bit misleading picture in my opinion. While it can be magical, it is based on knowing yourself, mutual responsibility, and good communication. It is much more boring, but it works (better than expecting the partner to do the magic)…
When your trust has been broken, the first step could be to re-claim (control over) yourself. Fully. To feel that I belong to myself first of all. And from that place, you can offer some of yourself – you decide to whom, for how long, or within which limits…
“You have to have it in order to surrender it.”
Om Rupani
I think Om Rupani looks at the root of the things here. And as long as we look outside – for that magical person who can bring this experience to us, we overlook that key inside ourselves.
I also think there is a mix-up between trust and surrender. Trust is a feeling – and feelings we cannot choose. We have feelings we have… and there are normally good reasons to feel what we feel. Surrender is a decision/choice.
Surrender does not have to be absolute and unconditional and forever. Whilst this is the case for some, it does not have to be true for everyone. It is 100% your choice: what do you offer, to whom, for how long, or within which limits…
Come join my talk on Surrender in Ropes in KOR Berlin on Sunday, 15th of September. We will nerd about the skills and mindset of surrender, there will be also a demo and time for Q&A.
See you!