Self-validated sexuality

rope bottom aftercare
I am feeling particularly reflective today. So you get a little piece of my kitchen psychology :) about our need for validation from others.  Why is it so strong in us and why, even when we are aware of it, are we still compelled to measure ourselves by external standards?.. 

It begins early in life. When growing up, we are told that we are not okay and we get corrected. Whatever it is: too much noise when playing, performance at school… Your mom’s really upset with you now! What do we learn from that? We better comply with our parents‘ view of us, or else they will withdraw their love. Something we are in desperate need of… 

This is the beginning of social programming that we are not okay the way we are. This is how the first hole in our hearts is created. The void. We learn to dislike the parts of ourselves that our parents don’t validate. We learn to hide and we learn to be ashamed of the parts that we believe are not okay.  

Society at large is based on exploiting this void. It is enforced by the school, by the church, by our well-meaning friends and family. Society is not interested in healing the original trauma. It serves better to keep us in the “matrix” – belief system that is beneficial for society… We get social approval and momentary release (by consuming, playing online games, watching TV etc), but in the long run, it makes our void grow bigger. Try to pause shopping and entertainment, try to switch off the TV for a moment, and feel into ourselves, we will feel it immediately. Sadness. Frustration. Anger. Resignation. 

When we strive to change it and to claim our authority over ourselves back, we need to go through two-fold process:

First, we need to go inside of ourselves, and look at the original wound. Face this hole in our hearts. This is very painful which is why we normally avoid it. We want to look, but we are afraid of pain. So we work around it. This is how we become so good in so many esoteric and “conscious” practices without ever making a real change for ourselves. 

Second, we need to realize that not everything we know or believe is true. We need to come to terms with the fact that we live in an illusion, kind of a “matrix”: a socially imposed model, which teaches us something that is beneficial for this model, but not necessarily true. Layer by layer, testing our own beliefs, finding out if it is true for us…

How do we know what is true? We feel it in our bodies. Sometimes that takes learning too. 

One by one, getting confronted with the social narrative and feeling if it is true, we can start the process of reconstructing our lives, one element after another. My sexuality: what am I really attracted to? My family rituals and traditions. My finances and my beliefs about security. My image of myself. My real needs and my purpose in life. My values. We might start with our most urgent topic and the other puzzles of our lives will get stirred up. Once we tell our lover what we like sexually, we will feel the pull to finally set up boundaries with our parents. Once we talk to the parents, we won’t tolerate that job anymore…

It won’t be easy, but it is possible to make a change that we really want. The opposite of settling for a mediocre or an abusive relationship or dismissive family is not complete isolation and living alone in the woods, it is finding a tribe or community where we feel loved and accepted. Self-validation doesn’t mean we don’t care what others say or do. That means we won’t compromise our values, that means we live in accordance with what we really care about and what we have chosen for ourselves.

We can create the reality that we want to live in. I really believe that. The way to get there is to change ourselves, and that is usually somatic – very physical – change…

With that, I wish you all happy new year and may all your dreams come true! <3